Still learning

omg, i cant believe its been so long since i last blogged, its weird how the older I'm getting the faster life is becoming. The last few months have been one fast roller coaster.



1st was the end of mainstream preschool, she had been going since January 2 afternoons a week with her ht, which she so loved & really came on so for the last few weeks before it finished before summer, i sent her in 1 afternoon on her own & my worries eased away, she loved it. So as it was finishing for the summer, i was looking so forward to her having a break from things because she was being so good working hard all year, now we are back to September my naivety has been Quashed and i will never again wish the summer holidays sooner than they should be, as it was really an eye opening reality, butterfly struggled really really hard and i wasn't helping with the fact i wasn't keeping up with the routines, in the start of Aug, there was a death in the family, my mams younger sister so to be honest it was a struggle to deal with grief and watch my family deal with this blow so i tried to keep butterfly amused myself which was hard as nothing was i was doing was right but we made it and woo hoo, its September again and now its mornings in preschool.



She is going wed, Thurs & Fri 8.45am-11.45am & guess what, she is happy again. her Home tutor is with her like an angel in the background guiding her & teaching her.



2nd thing was our holidays, again i was stupidly naive i could have it all, my parents, my 2 sisters & their husbands were going on a week med cruise so i decided we`d tag along. so i got down to googling images of plane, the boat, even pics of inside the boat of the restaurants, bars, swimming pools, bedrooms, you name it i did it, so i made a little travel comic book of our impending holiday, with what was happening step by step in pictures, and with the help of our Home tutor we started showing butterfly what was going to happen well in advance. June came & airport went great, even the the 2 days in Barcelona was great, then it was time for the ship, now i told her it would be big & it was huge so she held her grandads hand boarding while i had buggy. when we entered we were told we`d be shown our cabins so butterfly had to watch as every1 was separated and we went to our room, well she didn't like that and that was the beginning of how hard it became, the ship is 20 floors, and we always had to go the same route that she remembered from that 1st time, she`d get upset if some1 called the lift before her, she copped on that the butter, potatoes, bread wasn't the same as home so she stopped eating for 4 days & became very sick as a result that we had to stay in cabin for 3 days & visited ships doctor, who was very kind & didn't even charge us after i explained her autism, the only thing she had was the biscuits & crisps that we packed away, she wouldn't even touch their fruit, i know what your thinking now, holiday horror but i never ever did, sure i was nearly divorced at one stage & did snap once and told butterfly that she has to calm down or else the captain would throw us off, which made her worse & i kicked myself for being weak & vowed not to do it again & by our second last day butterfly seemed better & we all couldn't wait to go home but i said never again & def wouldn't recommend it, so i made a promise to her that the next holiday will be more fun so compliments of a certain payment being backdated, in Dec we are going to Disneyland Paris & staying in the main Disney hotel, so she is all excited, & iv told her she`l see Santa to so now every day when the ads are on TV she informs us very very loudly `i want that to play with` which i reply we`ll see......
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The Road to Answers

its been ages since Ive last blogged, i typed up one last week and of course i got a bit distracted and clicked the wrong button and deleted the damn thing, it was a pretty long one too so i gave up and decided to build some energy again before i tackled it so here goes



We all have times where we start to notice difference in our children's development. Since i have only the 1 i had nothing to compare her too so i struggled on, but by the time she was 20months i knew there was a problem, she just wasn't talking and even the few words she had, like mam, dad, she just stopped saying them so i knew this wasn't normal, so off i took her to my local Health Nurse and explained my worries, now she is a nice woman and gave me advice to go and buy the LADY BIRD learning books and read to butterfly for 20mins a day. I told her that butterfly hates when people read and will walk out of the room to even closing doors behind her and what would i do if this happened. The Health Nurse told me to carry on reading as if nothing happened and read out very loud if this happens, and then come back in 3 months. So off i go into Waterstones and buy these little books, i still cant believe how gullible i was and i though that this would work because the professional told me it would, i can laugh at myself now for even thinking of it but I'm a very optimistic person and always hope for the best.



Fast forward 3 months of me doing this and no change except now i have a very frustrated mommy and little girl so off we go back to the Health nurse where i explained that it didn't work and not once did she stay in the room as i read. So The health nurse took some notes and said she`d refer me to see some 1, i remember this ladies name but for the life of me i don't know what she does. She tells me that there is this new thing after being set up in cork, once a month a team of specialist would meet, 1 person from COPE, 1 from ENABLE IRELAND, 1 from AUTISM IRELAND & 1 from EARLY INTERVENTION. These people would meet once a month and look at all the cases and pick up which ever they would find would best suit the person with the services. So in Sept `08 we received a letter from COPE to say that they picked up our case and an assessment would begin in Oct & Nov. Now by this time i was starting to think of Autism, i don't know why as before my daughters diagnoses i never knew anyone who has autism. Think its mothers intuition. Anyhow back to my blog. Halfway through the assessments after butterfly had seen a phsycologist, my social worker came to my house and told us that from that report Butterfly had signs for Autism so they were stopping there assessment and referring us back to the new forum so AUTISM IRELAND would pick up the case. and in Jan `09 i got a letter giving us appointments for the Autism assessment for the month of march.




During the whole assessment, butterfly was as good as gold, didn't once have a tantrum and tried really hard with things, so i really be lived at that time they would tell us she didn't have autism. The 1st week we were with a SPEECH AND LANGUAGE THERAPIST, 2ND week an OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST, 3rd week we had a meeting with just us parents and a women asking lots of Q`s and then the 4th week myself and hubby went in for another meeting on the 31st March `09 which we were told butterfly`s diagnoses.




So here i am 1 year later and in a good place, i know there will be bad days and good days to come but am so grateful to my Daughter, who makes me smile everyday, my husband for his support, even though we kill each other most days but hey that's marriage and ours is going great, my own family and last but not least the moms iv met through Facebook. Now there is a bunch of AMAZING MOMS EVER xx

FIRST TIME MOM

I'm surprised that i took to motherhood better than what i thought. I wasn't afraid to pick up and hold something so small and delicate. She was 6lbs and i remember not thinking twice about turning her over and getting her dressed, changing her nappy all in a good time etc but yet when i hold a friends baby or my niece or nephew, my hand literally shakes as I'm terrified of doing something really stupid like dropping the baby..... but unfortunately that's as far as motherhood was easy, the rest was a nightmare. At the time i just got on with it and never complained, i don't even think i mentioned how hard it was to anyone even my in laws, i was so afraid in case i was judged. I still think there is a little bit of me like that today and i know every 1st mom has it hard and i don't want to take their hard times away but here is my story....


I remember times where if i got upset that i would go into another room and say to myself "stop crying, pull yourself together and remember this is what you wanted, a baby, and have been trying for years" then id compose myself and carry on, and that seemed to work for me, now mind you it didn't stop the tiredness or even make my little girl calmer, it just made me stronger.




For the 1st 3 months she fed every 3hrs day and night, then it would take about an hour and half to feed and burp her, she was only on 60mils. Then she only started to sleep when she hears noises so hubby and i had to leave the water tap running and walk up and down the kitchen for about 40mins until she was asleep, this went on for about 2 months, then came the car trips, even some 2 or 3 in the morning and I'm sure not alone in this, i think a few reading this will nod there heads in reminiscing about there own kids.

People say that the 1st is always the hardest, so im hopeful......and its only lately that I'm thinking, id do it all again in a heartbeat......me thinks I'm getting broody

She is finally here

She is finally Here

I made it the trip to Australia and back in 1 piece and as the year `06 approached i was getting ver excited about the impending birth of our 1st child so instead of a Long version im going to tell the shorter 1.

I Was induced 39wk then i had a C- section due to preclampsia. Unfortunately my private gyny was shifted to hospital an hour before my section because of pneomonia & after fightin with the nurse, i had to give in and let de muppet who performed my ectopic do my section. When I was opened up the doc & nurses were shocked to see my bowels & intestines were glued together......

The Doctor was all like omg this is terrible, what idiot did ur ectopic operation, I replied you. You can just imagine the silence in the room.....so it took them bout an hr and half to take Charlene out as they had to operate on the damage as it was in the way..........Some people reading this will think what an eperience, my mum and family were furious and wanted me to complain over the mess of the ectopic operation but to be honest my daughter was delivered in the end safely and she was with me, breathing and that was all that mattered to me........

To where it all started...part 2

After I was finally told that yes i am pregnant but it’s one of 3 possibilities, I’m actually ok. Telling hubby that Friday lunchtime was ok, no tears, just hope. I have a bit of hunger pain so I try to squash it with roll and salad, i could only eat half as was feeling very tired all of a sudden so at about 1.45 I go into my parents front room and lie on the couch. Can’t remember if I slept but about 2pm I became aware of the pain in my tummy getting stronger so I rang hubby who told me to ring hospital. The nurse told me to keep an eye on it and if it gets worse to come straight in. So after I hang up the phone i get up off the chair and start heading towards front room door and just as I touch the door handle I feel this unbelievable pain, a pain so bad that I can’t breathe then I hit the floor. I come around, I’ve only been out for about a min, I crawl to kitchen to my sister in pain and then i ring hubby, he tells me he is working near and he`s coming straight over, I ring hospital and they say come in, I don’t want an ambulance as we are only 5mins from there so it’s faster with hubby. Within a few minutes he is with me half carrying half walking me to the car and we are off.

I am seen straight away and brought into the cubicle, after some blood test and internal, I’m bleeding internally so doctors tell me that I must have an operation to see if it is an ectopic or because i had too many eggs then it could be something to do with them, so i am to have a camera in my belly button and take it from there. They ask me when the last time I had food was, I said about an hour ago so they come back and say they can’t operate until 6hrs after eating and explain the reasons why and what could go wrong etc, which i won’t repeat in this blog. After another hour more blood and internal the doctors come back in and say that they have decided to not wait until the 6hrs are up to operate, i ask them to wait and after much discussion they agree to wait on the condition that if i get worse they will operate without asking as iv signed the consent form.

I ring the rest of my sisters as only 1 of them knew the full story and its then i realise my parents are away and I’m gutted as at that point i miss my mom. They are all up within the hour and I have left it to them to tell my parents when they think its right, which they do that night.

At 7.15pm I’m taking down to theatre, I ask how long will everything take, doctor tells me it will only be an hour and half. I wake up and I’m very groggy. I see the clock and its 11.30. Then I’m brought back to room while hubby talks to doctor. Long story short, it was ectopic, on the verge of rupturing. So after Camera I had a have a Laparotomy Operation and they were able to save my ovaries and tubes.

I am in Hospital for 2 weeks and it took another 3 months for my scar to heal and close properly due to infection after infection. I return to work in time for Christmas `03 and when i ring in the New Year , my resolution is to get stronger mentally and physically. Which I do.........

To Where it all started

When i started blogging, i more or less jumped right in, but not I'm going to start at the beginning to where it all began about wanting kids.

At 18 i was diagnosed with Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome, i wasn't too upset or worried as trying for a child was not on my agenda so fast forward 6 years, at 24, a big white wedding and a honeymoon in lanzarote now we were ready to talk about having kids.




so after 6 months of trying we went to my GP who referred us for fertility clinic straight away as of my condition. Now still at this point i still wasn't worried or upset, i just kept my head and heart high and strong as i knew I'm not the only person who had trouble conceiving, my mam was the same and i think the fact that i found out at 18 prepared me for the long road i had to take. So for the next 5 years our lives revolved around, chlomid, scans, injections, my work and 3 months break of treatment in between, I know 5 yrs long seems too much for treatment but after the treatment and if my eggs wernt at the particular shape or size then i would have yo wait until the next month for the IUI. Now its July `03 and i had a scan to check if my eggs were at the right size etc, and yet again there is something wrong, instead of a few eggs, i have over a dozen, hyper stimulation syndrome so my doctor canceled my IUI for that month and i made another clinic appointment for Sept.


2 weeks later it was my younger sisters 21st, it was a great night but i couldnt drink, i felt terrible after 2 drinks and was soo tired i didn't dance much. For the next few days i had a niggling thought but kept on putting it to the back of my mind as i knew that i had too many eggs that were not the right size. By Fri i took a pregnancy test just to be sure, i used the Brand 1st response, it was negative, on sat morning i used the 2ND one in the packet........i can see 2 lines, one is faint but I'm sure its is there, i show hubby, yes he see`s it too. Since i never had a positive test, i ring my best friend who was pregnant at the time and ask her to call, within an hour she was at my door holding another pregnancy test but the brand is clear blue, i run to the bathroom and do the test, 3 mins later i come down confused, its negative ...WTF....., there is only 1 line. Hubby Urges me to to the 2ND one in the box, so i go back into bathroom, come back out and unfortunately that's negative too, so i have done 4 tests, 1 positive, 3 negative.....WTF...now I'm very confused and shaking. I rang the maternity hospital that does some of my scans, i speak to a fertility nurse and she says come in for scan and blood test Monday morning, i hang up and face a very long confusing weekend.




Monday morning i ring in work sick as cant face it and i go to the hospital with hubby, after a while we are ushered into a room and blood is taken, they ask me for a sample so they can do a pregnancy test, then there is a scan and nothing shows in the scan, after 5 mins a nurse comes back and says I'm sorry pregnancy test is negative, it seems your not pregnant. I remember the test that i had taken my self and show them her and point out that 1 of them is positive, so she said we will wait til the blood test come back to know for sure. It wont be back til tea time and I'm to ring, so i go home, and all day i cry curled up in bed. At 5.30 i cant take the wait so i ring and they tel me that i must come back wed for another blood test as there is a tiny amount of HCG levels showing in my blood, so i ask am i pregnant and she said they still don't know. So i go into work the Tue to keep my mind occupied and organise time off for wed morning. I go in for blood test and am told to ring again after 5, i go back to work numb, never before had i felt this numb, i always thought that once your pregnant, your pregnant, its black and white, yes or no, never maybe, never from the professionals "I dint Know" so i ring at 5.05 and am told the same thing, come back in Fri for blood test etc etc. Before i hang up i plead to the nurse to give me any information, i tell her what will i say to my husband when he ask me am i pregnant, i cant say i don't no for the 5Th as that's i have been saying since the 1st test at home, so she says more than likely you are but we are not a 100% sure. That night i stay in my mams as they are gone on holiday and i go back to my old bed to try and get some comfort, my sisters are at home so I'm not alone. The next morning i go to hospital with my sister as hubby is work so i tell him not to get time off as its only for another blood Test. While I'm there i have a scan. I am told to return on the Mon. I plead again to tell me something as its a week and i cant keep telling hubby i not a 100% sure, pls don't give me another weekend of this. She kindly says OK, She say I'm pregnant and the problem is one of 3 things, 1. I'm very early only few weeks, 2. I'm at the early stages of a miscarriage and 3. i have an Ectopic pregnancy. I'm not as upset at 1st because now i have something to tell hubby and now we can start hoping.....